Whoever said that the only guarantees in life were death and taxes has never worked in Corporate America. "Working for the man" adds a few more guarantees to that list throughout the course of your career, like timesheets (oy vay), direct deposit (great), and holiday parties.
My agency's holiday party plans were announced a few months ago, and we were told to save the date for a nice, light brunch followed with the only kind of 'dis I actually enjoy - an early dismissal for the holiday. However, not all of my fellow colleagues were satisfied with this plan.
A few weeks ago, my direct boss, Mr. Dave Fitzgerald of Fitzgerald+CO., announced that due to a few complaints about the holiday plans, we would be having a holiday party on the evening of Saturday, December 15th (details forthcoming), and naturally, I was thrilled. I love parties!
But then I found out that dates and spouses were welcome, and that's where the wheels fell off the bus. As a single girl who has attended many a holiday party, I know from experience that the pressure is on to bring someone, and bring someone good. Now, also as a single girl, I will tell you that I am happy to bring someone, but I make no guarantees that he (in my case) or she (I respect other preferences) would be good, or even great. I can deliver quantity, but quality is the real challenge.
And thus the idea was born - in an homage to my profession (media) and my idea of good-natured fun (shameless self-promotion), I would auction myself off to the highest bidder - best offer wins. The prize? A date to the holiday party with yours truly. Overestimating my worth is so underestimated, don't you think?
Here's the catch(es): you must A) be a family member or friend of someone from my agency, Fitzgerald+CO. (media reps welcome, although this prize does not guarantee you any future business), and B) make the best non-monetary offer possible. Wait, what - no money? Yes, no money. Remember that guy who paid off his mortgage by trading in a single paper clip? Same concept. It's simple:
1. Think of the best non-money offer you can offer. Is it massage therapy services? Is it a collectible jersey? Is it Thanksgiving leftovers? Whatever you think you can bring to the table, bring it on.
2. Make your bid by posting a comment on this blog with your name, your relation to me, and your offer. Our in-house bidding panel will be reviewing offers daily, but be sure to read the Rules of Engagement before you bid.
3. Watch to win - the winner will be announced December 14th - and feel free to pass this link on to friends and family. Hooray for voyeurism!
And even if you don't want to bid, general commentary is not only welcome, but encouraged, unless it's something nasty, in which case we will expose you for the mean-spirited Grinch you are.
So thanks for taking the time to stop by, and happy bidding!
Karen
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
The Offer
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
49 comments:
This is the section with which you can start making bids. You can make a bid on any post that has a comments section offered - our in-house team has tracking capabilities! We're very sophisticated.
I bid myself (God's gift to women) which should be more than enough. However, I will throw in a Krystal Sack-Full and a Chili Cheese Pup to win her over.
So then.....what about all of us reps out here who have already had a whole bunch of dates with Karen?
Are we eligible too?
Need some clarification. Thanks!
I soooo wish I didn't have plans that Saturday night. I would have offered up a huge serving of turkey macaroni, copious amounts of red wine, and an unlimited supply of Britney Spears impersonations... as well as a few leg kicks and giddy Meredith dances.
I bid a duck riding a tricycle. It's a tin wind up toy - when he pedals, his hat spins around like a propeller. You know, like the kind you'd give your 4 year old nephew for Christmas? And three days later, you get it back in a plastic grocery bag with the propellers missing and a bill from Piedmont Minor Emergency Clinic? And you're not invited over for Christmas any more? Yeah, one of those. I bid that.
One 2 lb lobster (only for use as a pet) hand delivered via razor scooter.
Okay...even though I think you would probably prefer a date with romantic possibilities. I would still like to throw my hat into the ring and offer up my tremendous wing-girl capabilities. :)
I bid designated driver services, unlimited access to my closet prior to the party. . .and the WOW factor that comes with having two hot Adler girls at one party.
Karen, and esteemed judges, my bid consists of a number of elements.
First I'm supposed to say how I know Karen. Let's just say Karen knows ME, if you catch my drift.
The first part of my bid is this: I will fly to Atlanta from Chicago, aboard a luxuriously chartered jet, by which I mean coach on Delta. I will have two pieces of luggage. One will contain my clothes for the weekend: typical mid-20's dude clothing, but with the butt-ugliest holiday sweater you can imagine. It will be embroidered with reindeers, Santas and snowflakes. It will scream 1980's. It will be the hit of the party. The second suitcase is what I like to call the Karen entertainment suitcase. In one compartment will be a very large bottle of liquor. You are free to choose from vodka, tequila, absinthe, or whatever you decide. I will use this bottle to spike the punch at the party. (Don't tell Mr. Fitzgerald.) While everybody is recovering from the spiked punch, I will pull from my suitcase an original Dance Dance Revolution game pad, which will be set up in the main area. I will force people to play DDR. Do not tell me people won't love DDR. Finally, the other compartment of my suitcase will contain a case of Yoo-Hoo mixed in with some Advil. Now, I can't guarantee what will happen between the spiking of the punch and the next day when the Advil has to be taken, but just in case I will also pack mace, which Karen can use if I try to force myself upon her.
Additionally, I will bring my camera, because I am going to take Karen on a whirlwind tour of Atlanta. I think I heard there's a Coke museum there. I also heard Atlanta has a pretty sweet aquarium. Whatever, I'm going to pack my AAA guide, and Adler and I will be regular old tourists. I will post these pictures all over the internet, and write Perez Hilton style captions on them, because that is what friends are for.
I'll also pack gifts from her old home in Chicago, like cheese fries from the Wiener's Circle, a lock of T. Cole's hair, a good luck note from Kathy Fitpatrick, and a roll of toilet paper from Bar Chicago.
Did I mention the Yoo-Hoo?
Well with competition like this, it should be easy to win Karen. I dont know Karen, I saw this add on Craig's List but I figured what the hell. I bid one romantic, home cooked meal (I am a better cook than the Naked Chef)and a full body massage from feet to head. And yes I do love the feet. If that is not enough I promise not to post pictures of the date on the Web.
Now thats chivalry!!
My bid involves me calling off my lawyers for the theft of my intellectual property. (See email titled "Six Flags tickets TRADE-O-RAMA 2007" dated May 14, 2007) The idea of trading stupid stuff for stupid stuff was clearly established and owned by me on said date. I must insist that you cease and desist immediately or there will be further action. And not the kind you are looking for.
So I heard this was a contest involving bidding and I was gonna approach it like eBay. You know wait til the last day and outbid everyone at the 11th hour. But I was told that that's not how this works. Shame, I might have just hit BUY NOW too.
I officially bid the company of a complete stranger whose opinion of yourself can be easily molded into whatever you like. Everything that happened in your past, I'd have absolutely no idea about. Like that one time you drunk dialed that one guy and told him you loved him after hooking up with him like twice? Yeah I don't know anything about that. Or that other time you told this guy that the girl he liked had herpes so he'd like you instead. Again, no clue. Or maybe I'm guessing wrong and it's more along the lines of that one time when you went out on a date with some unattractive client because you were too lazy to cook and were in the mood for a free dinner. All news to me.
All I know about you is what I've heard from Anne (Reeves) and Rachel (Hadley). And all they knew about you they got from your myspace page. Apparently your #1 interest is hot dogs and you may or may not have tried febrezing your smelly cat. Umm, yeah...what am I supposed to do with that? Well just the same, I'll throw a hot dog and some febreze in with my bid as well so I don't show up empty handed...and since i have 2 hands.
To recap my bid is the company of a well-behaved, very gullible, naive, disease-free, stranger who has no idea about (what could be a sullied or Mother Theresa-esque) past who can be molded to thinking that you're the coolest girl...like EVER. Maybe even after a few drinks at this hyped Xmas Party you might even convince me that you did NOT in fact pimp yourself out on a blog to able-bodied "homosapiens" for non-monetary, attention-grabbing reasons. Oh and (1) 800 ml bottle of Febreze (let's go with Spring Breeze), and (1) hot dog (let's go with Chicago-style since Anne said your myspace page says you spent time there).
Oh one last thing - Happy Birthday!
Anne Reeves put me on to this blog last night. I was going to bid $100 (and plan on drinking $100 worth of 'Grey Goose' at the party in order to get a return on my investment) but I decided against it as I am worried that paying a girl for an evening of services rendered (even if those services only include a holiday party) could violate the terms of my probation. On a related note, I will have to check to see if I can even attend, as my probation and subsequent temporary restraining order are a result of cyber-stalking Anne at her website, annereeves.com. That site, along with Anne's clever quips on 'Google Chat', such as 'Out to sushi lunch', 'Enjoying a yummy lean cuisine meal', and 'Surfing internet porn', are the only reasons I have internet access.
My bid, as a result, is a night with someone who is comfortable in all situations, uncomfortable around Anne Reeves, as well as a true story about how I came to live with a tailless cat after an evening of partying, due to the kindness of a college friend who has been featured on Anne's website, incidentally. I can provide references, such as professionals in the PR world (as Anne can attest to), my family, other girls I have cyber-stalked (on various other blogs), friends, and employees at 'The Varsity Jr' on Lindbergh.
I bid 6 California rolls from Whole Foods. Who doesn't love a good, cheap and fast sushi dinner from Buckhead's finest prepared food establishment?
You would be nuts not to choose Tim. Heck, I'd go out with him based on creativity and cleverness alone!
Dear Karen,
I don't have any massage therapists at my command, so I must humbly offer my services as an amateur photographer.
I offer the following Olan Mills "Company Holiday Party Documentary Package":
- If I'm going as your date, we'll need to get our story straight before we hit the red carpet. I'm thinking I could pick you up a little early so we can chat and share a warm brew of Starbucks Cinnamon Dolce Latte... with two straws - think Norman Rockwell here only a photo and not that scrawl he seemed so fond of. Also, I will take some black and white photos of the steam rising from the coffee so you can get all woosy for my artsy side.
- Once at the party, I will be at your beck and call for any "Oh my God... you look *so* good in that red dress! It's *so* festive! Oh, we *have* to get a picture of us together!" Srsly. Unlimited. In fact, I will even take these in portrait orientation to make sure I get your shoes in the picture. That right there is the m.a.x difference.
- I will take a halfway-decent photo of your boss and his/her date that you will be able to forward to them Monday morning. This will make you look good because your date knew which direction to point the camera. Obviously, if there is an open bar this will have to happen early in the night for so... so many reasons.
- At some point in the evening, I will switch my camera into burst mode and take a long string of shots at 5 frames per second of you sipping a drink. When I get home, I will then go in and change the "date taken" field in each file to incremental bits of 3 or 4 minutes such that when I re-sort all the evening's photos in chronological order and post them to the world wide interwebs, it will appear that you did nothing but drink the entire night, you lush.
- I will do my best to photo-document any "party fouls" or other potentially compromising situations for future blackmail use at your discretion. I will not take any photos of you, dear Karen, party fouling or compromising any situations. Especially if you are party fouling by compromising my situation. (And yes, The Rules are clear that this is not guaranteed, but that's a helluva far cry from "ain't gonna happen, buster.")
-Finally, I will set up the tripod and timer to make a formal portrait of us. After loading the photo in photoshop and drowning it in all sorts of dreamy soft filters, I will make it into a 3" diameter keychain for you. For what, I simply don't know, but it was always included in the prom packages, so I guess it is required.
Now that I have knocked your socks nearly off, paced the pitter patter of your little heart, and generally entertained myself attempting to woo you, I must regretfully withdraw my screen name from consideration. Sad, I know.
Alas,
a) I don't know you or anybody you work with and
b) I have my own company holiday party to attend that night.
But don't be too sad. This offer stands, as the rules state it must, until December 31st, 2007.
I once knew a kid with fair skin and blond hair,
shirts were a size too small but always had flair.
he sadly told fitzco goodbye,
and all the girls did sigh,
but he'll always be king of the fitzco lair.
Im not a poet but a reincarnate James Bond,
of a great sense of humor I'll always be fond.
I will impress you with the Soulja Boy,
do the Cupid Shuffle like I was a goy,
and whose vocab includes words like abscond.
You are now thinking one of two things,
either this is a joke or he likes when Cher sings.
but neither are true,
and if you i should woo,
then we'll end the night at Hole In The Wall like kings!
Tim would have my vote.
Dearest Karen,
First off, I see your thirst for danger is unquenched. The potential suitor must be a, “Family member or friend of someone from my agency” (read: someone from work has to like… be familiar with you so… you know… I can make sure you have no outstanding warrants) just screams rebellion. Hey, after our date can you let me know what your parents did to you as child to necessitate such behavior? Yea, that’d be swell.
Let’s move on.
I must admit I don’t know Karen but I’m sure we bumped into each other at Moondogs a few weeks back (she was drinking a Zima). That counts, right? Super!
My bid involves two things. On the tangible side you will receive a slightly used DVD of Serendipity (enough said). On the services side, I offer a night filled with rainbows and unicorns. That’s right, you will be accompanied by a witty/charming fellow who, with a little help from copious amounts of booze, will make your heart go awash with warm and fuzzy feelings. Can you really put a price on warm and fuzzy? Yea, I think not. If you act now, I’ll throw in steak dinner that will be sure to make your co-workers jealous they didn’t think of this little competition first (hi Karen’s coworkers reading this blog on company time. See there? Instant rapport with your work peeps!).
I like how you, on the sly, threw in the shelf-life date of December 31st. Do I need to start making plans for New Years? That’s a little presumptuous on your part but, whatever, I’ll play along and that can be our little secret.
This is what I have to offer. No more, no less.
With warmest regards,
Shanon
P.S. A massage wasn’t offered as a service to win your attention because a) you asked for it and that just closes the door on originality and b) a massage is a given (any guy born below the Mason Dixon line knows this). Did I mention my nickname in college was Magic Fingers? Oh well, I digress.
P.P.S. If I’m not chosen for Saturday’s festivities and your “winner” turns out to be anything but… my offer on the steak dinner has no expiration date.
I bid the following:
*2 tickets for free admission to Phillips Arena (redeemable any night)
*1 slightly used Dooney & Bourke bag
*1 labrador retriever named Gus.
*1 year of e-cards on all major holidays (and your birthday)
So...I'm hoping your criteria is a lot like job ads that ask for 5 to 10 years of experience and an MBA. By this I mean, are you hoping for all these things but willing to look over a few elements not being met? If so, then I'm your guy...
Let's visit each Rule of Engagement, shall we?
Okay!
1) I am a homosapien. Sweet!
2) I am in a relationship, and if you choose me I'll get a notarized and signed document, or video footage or something. She's cool, no worries. Hell, bring us both!
3) Clean and non-vulgar so far, unless "hell" is offensive to you. If so, please replace with "Geez" or something more to your liking.
4) Posted, on time.
5) Offer (see below) meets qualifications required.
6) I hope you don't give my offer to charity (again, see blow) but as you wish.
7) Are you near a Marta stop? Just kidding, I have a Diamondback BMX with pegs on the back, so we'll get there in style.
8) Don't you think showing up at like 8:30 would be cooler?
9) That's good, because I'd probably spend all night trying to thumbwrestle you.
10) Fine, though that's weird seeing as how the party is on the 15th.
The one thing I can't assure you of is that I know anyone you work with or any of your friends, but I bet if we played the Kevin Bacon game long enough we'd find a connection.
Okay, so here's my offer: I'm a normal 31-year old guy, own a house, live with my girlfriend and our three animals - a 6 year old lab, a 2 year old cat, and....a new puppy! Daphne is a shepherd mix who is sweet as all get out. If you choose me, I will allow you to hold her in your lap for a period not to exceed 60 minutes. I cannot guarantee puppy kisses, but it's pretty much assured. Also, she will fall asleep while you pet her. In addition, you can post a picture of yourself with Daphne on your Myspace page.
So, what do you think?
Kevin
I'm her date to the pArTy!!! I'm a movie star. For real. If you rent "Stomp the Yard", I'm the white guy in the grey suit during the resturant scene. It's a great 4 second shot of me, but if you have access to TIVO, you can not miss me. I'm an Atlanta Native, so you won't have to worry about me finding the location of the party. I can out "bid" anyone, if time is of no concern. Check me out!!! I'm Fo Reel Karen!!!
Oh yea, The Movie Star forgot to leave a email address. Duh.
pauliebyrd@yahoo.com
Karen.
I have a great appreciation for your quest and your sense of humor. I would throw my hat in the ring, but I'm in a committed relationship.
Best of luck! Keep us posted.
Serious Offer from 24 year old male
1.) 1 3 month subscription to jdate (you spelled oy vei wrong) why use match.com when you can you can go Kosher
2.) 1 female t shirt that says (challah at ya girl)
3.) Season 1 of gossip girl or private practice when it comes out on dvd, or your choice of a season of any other tv show of your liking.
Reasons to prefer
1.) Jdate will either get you a good jewish guy, or convince you you need to convert
2.) all my gifts are practical and useful once 12:30am happens and this gig is up
3.) With me you get "Ari Gold" (if you get the reference you should pick me, if you don't then google it and then pick me), with the others you get a toy duck... Seriously if you don't take me at least do not take the dude offering you a toy duck, the duck might be funny but you don't wanna be the joke.
See ya Saturday
Ms. Adler,
I talked to Ellie, one of your many dedicated and outstanding co-workers, and she quoted me Risky Business...
She said, You know, Brian, there's one thing I learned in all my years. Sometimes you just gotta say, "What the [heck], and make your move." So here I am, and I'd like to enter the competition. I'm 23, graduated last Dec from UGA and have a good job in an office located at Lennox/Piedmont.
Please see the website - http://www.children.org
This website is for "Children International", a very renowned charity that has an outstanding resume. They recently made Forbes list of top charity’s and had the guy from Doogie Houser, Neil Patrick Harris, win them 60K in Celebrity Wheel of Fortune... although not my ideal role-model, he gets it done. (Harold and Kumar through the sunroof? are you kidding? that was good stuff.)
Anyway, at the website you find a number of little reasons to choose me. Here’s the deal: For every date we go on (including the Christmas Party) I will agree to sponsor one new little guy/ girl… we can decide on a reasonable amount of kids to sponsor if that should be the situation we find ourselves in. You can’t make all the rules though!
Stipulation 1 - The Christmas Party nominee must be Male, age 5-7, from the Dominican Republic. Preferably the one pictured in a baseball uniform. Seeing that there is obvious future potential in particular sports for some of these little guys, I am making this strategic decision and not looking back. Can’t do a little baseball fan, can’t do me!
ps. If the website is down, give it a minute. A very spirited employee named Dolores informed me it will be back up shortly!
pps. The destiny (or fate - Jeff = pessimist...) of multiple little undeservingly under-privileged kids lies in your hands.
If you think you're interested get my number from Ellie or email me bpcrider@hotmail.com!
Sine I know what a catch Karen is, I would like to offer myself dressed in a French Maid outfit. I will bring a six pack of Coke, a blank Aflac application, some brochures on Aruba and one Durex condom (to be used by anyone at the party.)
Pick the eBay guy - that way, if you're disappointed in the date you can always leave negative feedback for him.
Wow- a new low on this thing..
Frankly I don't really care if I get picked or not, so I have no reason to not totally call out this last post from "Big Papi" If the name alone did not DQ him, can one at least hope his shameless attempt to guilt you into a date or multiple date(s) should?
The aurora of his post reminds me of one of those totally lame dudes you might have seen wearing pink pants, a polo and a beaten down UGA hat from a night you wish you could forget bar hopping in athens.
The phrase "we will not negotiate with terrorists" came to mind immediately after reading this guy's offer, save the children how sweet? This offer reminds me of the time I borrowed my neighbors dog to the dog park and say how I work for the humane society and every time a dog gets killed (even when mike vick does it) a part of me dies (oh wait I'm not lame). Or maybe for every date we have I'll buy a global warming trade-able permit so that the environment will be better for future generations.
This reminds me all to much of a slightly less cruel version of the "save toby" hoax from a couple years ago when some people threatened to eat a rabbit unless they got a certain amount of money to save the rabbit.
Shameless appeals to help the world out if you go out with someone are just that, shameless. If the only reason you will sponsor a kid from that website is cause Karen agrees to go out with you, then you might be worse then someone who doesn't sponsor them at all.
I can't believe one could commodify the tragic lives of those future Dominican republic baseball stars as a means to get a date. Using these kids as pawn in your cruel game to get a date.
"oy vei" is all I gotta say
ps-
I have a great line from the tv show californication but if I said it I would be violating one of those rules you listed, so e-mail me and I'll tell it to ya.
Big Papi I'm sure you're the man sorry I had to rip on ya, but that was .... lame
Sorry-
I didn't use my nickname that time, but RL is notduckman, I'll keep RL so that Karen can more easily e-mail me
RL
RL - yes, you are lame.
Sorry-
I didn't use my nickname that time, but that last anonymous is Pat Bound, I'll switch to Pat Bound, but Karen, no need to e-mail me.
Pat Bound
(oh, and RL/"notduckman" - don't worry, I doubt she'll need to "easily e-mail" you...just a hunch)
Matthew Whitehurst
Serious offer!!
Ok so I heard you on the radio this morning(amazing voice btw) and it made me think of my own holiday party, where at 3 pm of the day of the party my date and I broke off our relationship. So needless to say I went alone. At first I felt out of place but then remembered that I can have fun in any situation. The party was at the Aquarium(I had never been before), and there where tons of people. I work for one of the big four accounting firms so you know every conversation was just So interesting(lol). Any way I met new people and ended up having a great time. I even was invited out for an after party @ the velvet room.
So I missed out on a holiday party with a beautiful date, and thats why I am here. I think i meet all the qualifications, however we have never met, but I have Saturday free(i am always up for a good time and this sounds like potential fun).
So I am 5'7(not a midget, ittle person), Brown Hair(I still have all of it, I keep it clean cut), Blue eyes, no beard or dago mustache and greesy hair, muscular build, I weigh about 165-170. Picture avalible apon request.
I love football, baseball, and hockey games. I live about 3 miles from turner so I love hitting up afternoon games. I downhill mountain bike, and love the outdoors.
Now its Bid time.
I bid the following
1) Flowers apon pick up(I mean isn't that a given?)
2) Dinner at the place of your choosing( I am from the south and we southern men can eat anything, lol. and if you want I cook an mean italian dish)
3) Movie(with or without me, but hopefully things go well enough that it will be with)
4) Conversation not related to work or accounting(I have much better things to talk about)
5) Respect( Come on doesn't every woman want that, and really how many men really give the respect women deserve)
6) A fun filled evening (now your wondering how I can bid this, but trust me I am a fun guy and give references apon request who you admit to the same, I am just out to have a great time and as my motto goes "If I am not having a good time I make it happen")
Now there other things I could offer but I really dont know you so things like a sunset walk in the park or a bike ride down the comet trail would not work here, and massages by strange men that just sounds creepy and I am not that guy.
If your at all interested e-mail me and maybe we could meet for coffee or something before saturday.
mwhitehurst2@gmail.COM
It is Sad that it only can be a friend or a friend of a friend because it leaves out a lot of other great potential offers left on the table. As a Salesman, I have learned that you must consider all offers that cross your desk, not just the ones that have been hand fed to you. Even though I cannot offer the world and riches to you, I can offer a world of opportunities. The Best nonmonetary gift I can give you is the passion and energy I live with every day of my life! I believe that if you live every day with passion and energy that you can live and lead a long, successful life! I enjoy being the life of the party and making people smile and laugh, whether it be with jokes to movie impersonations or just a story about my glory days in sports and all the memorabilia that I have collected along the way. Even though I might be a complete stranger, Please consider the offer I have put before you!
Karen,
I'm going to offer a few reasons why you should pick Anonymous (the Febreeze Guy).
1. He's local. There's no possibility that he'll be stuck at O'Hare or Midway or Hartsfield on a tarmac, desperately trying to get to your party.
2. Because he's local, if you don't have fun with him, you can ditch him easily. He can choose to enjoy the party on his own or he can just go home. You won't have the obligation to entertain him just because he flew halfway across the country for you.
Okay, so, that's only a couple of reasons, but they're good! Plus, which makes a better story - "I took an old friend from out of town to my office party" or, the alternative, "I took a complete stranger who won the poll on my blog as my date to the office party"?
Well, I must say Tiffany has some good points about choosing someone local. Which goes without saying that most of her points apply to me as well. By the way I am 25.
I wasn't planning on a war on cyber creeps tonight, but I think RL (along with anybody else with a sour attitude on life) needs to hear these points. EVERYONE will not appreciate this, but I think most will.
After Mr. Warmth's comment's, I must respond with my LAST post, no matter what the Jewish Prince comes back and says… this will probably ruin all shots at the date or make it somewhat awkward for Karen to pick me, but that’s ok, life goes on. I’ll be just fine.
First off, if “will not negotiate with terrorist” is the first thing that came to your head, you must be angry at the world my friend, or either get spoon fed the wrong news. I however, am not. Not to boast, but rather to humbly explain in my defense, I want to mention a couple things; I am helping organize Toys for Tots at work, I give to United Way twice a month, been the Team Captain for multiple teams at Relay for Life, and do all kinds of community service! The little kid from Dominican Republic was about to happen anyway you silly prince. I’ve been thinking about doing that for weeks now. I found a funny way to implement it in my life… Imagine that, a little creativeness…
I am not racist or anti-Semitic in the least. I have an incredibly diverse group of friends and I live in an orthodox Jewish community in Toco Hills. I add these facts to share with you my core values, awareness of what is going on around me, and the genuineness of my proposition.
At this point in my life, I do what I can monetarily, because I do not have the time to give. This will change; it’s just a matter of everything eventually coming together. Who knows, Karen might be a great girl who would’ve made it possible. I guarantee there is at least one girl out there reading this, loving it, knowing that she wants somebody with the same values etc in the person she is trying to meet.
I threw out the idea to be somewhat creative and present her with a funny little dilemma in the midst of making this decision. Spice it up a little bit. I think it’s funny/respectable that a normal girl - who probably has a busy day-to-day, may/may not be satisfied with the single’s scenes she ends up in for one reason or another, et cetera - has put herself out there for Atlanta to see succeed in initiating a relationship, or at least increase the favorability of her brand. It’s a bit unorthodox, but so is arguing with someone over a blog (not to mention knowing it will be critiqued by many many people…)
Dolores - the lady who RUNS the charity - loved the idea when I called this morning to see when the website was going to be back up. I’m sure she really appreciated your pessimistic response. I’ve got her number if you like to apologize on behalf of all the grumpy idiots out there who took the post the wrong way.
Re: Athens and UGA. Athens is a place that represents a lot of fundamentally good ideas and values for a lot of people. Through the haze of drunken college kids (that everyone, or most, once were btw) there are a couple things worth noting. How about the smile on a young mom’s face when she watches her daughter sit on her dad’s shoulders at a football game for the first time? The sense of accomplishment a young dad got when he successfully took his little boy by Mcquarter and got his kid to run up to all the players and get their autographs? The family tailgates that are based on years of tradition that involve multiple family friends… this is something Karen might definitely be interested in. But you went and assumed she was like you, and it reminded her of the frat guy who kicked your ass after you starting mouthing off that one time. Not everyone wants to forget the fun times they had in Athens, visiting UGA on those drunken nights. Fact it. I ALWAYS have a good time when I go out. You’re 24 years old; learn how to handle the booze. You’re like the drag on life NO fan that was sitting next to me in that picture I got up on here.
All kinds of people are reading these posts from all kinds of backgrounds that have all kinds of personal views. Now, when you reply to a post on a thread such as this, do you think about all the people reading it, or do you think of another smart ass snickering at putting another person down, thinking it’s going to impress Karen. Because why else are we writing, right? By the way, I am not projecting this Jewish Prince stereotype on all people of your faith, only you “Ari.” I realize EVERY ethnic group as a whole has their problem children. I encourage you to take a more positive approach on life and not be so quick to criticize others. I am working on my shortcomings as well. This is actually helping. Thank you.
You know a lot of people are really tryin to do big things in life. And it chaps my @ss when pessimistic people want to harp on negatives than just change what they can and be a better person. I second Southern Stang in every bit of his post. Life’s too short for bullshit like that.
On the last note, I won’t be attending the Fitzco party. I am going to respectfully withdraw my name from the list of potential dates. I apologize Karen! It really wasn’t you! Ha.
Ps. Lloyd would bitch slap you so fast your little crown would spin if you came in the office with a grumpy attitude like that.
Pps. I’m still goin Dominican Rep. baseball superstar. "Big papi ii" was symbolic of what was possible for a lot of those little kids.
Ppps. I apologize for embarrassing my friend at work with this rant.
Oy vey...I currently do not meet your criteria of friend of a friend (although I am checking to see if you are on LinkedIn and have shared connections).
Given the disqualification, I'd be delighted to escort any of the three women with you in the photo in the AJC newspaper today.
Technically I may not fully qualify for this offer (pretty sure I don't know you, your family, or your friends directly), but if I don't apply for this particular offer then I think consideration may still be do. So with that said ...
For Your Consideration:
One (1) single white Jewish male, age 27, living in the greater Atlanta area (Smynings) available for multi-ranging social activities; excluding companionship to the Fitzgerald + Co. Holiday Extravaganza.
It seems you already have plenty of intriguing applicants to choose from for Saturday night, so I figure that we'd be better served getting to know each other at a later date and in a more relaxed setting.
While I do not believe I personally know you, your family, or your friends (as I stated above), there is a chance we are connected. I noticed you previously worked for WestWayne, an agency that also previously employed one of my fraternity brothers, so we may have a mutual acquaintance. Furthermore, we are both members of The Tribe, and therefore I'm sure if we were to play the Jewish Geography Bee long enough we would be certain to land on a name that ties us together.
As for the gift offer, I will not be offering anything; monetarily or non-monetarily. My reasoning being that any gift I would offer could be perceived as a bribe or bartered goods, and I have no intentions of swaying your judgment, expectations, or actions with anything other than my company.
To learn more you can look me up on JDate (where else would a profile of a nice, single Jewish Boy be listed?) under the same name that I am posting under on here. Maybe we can search for that great bagel together!
I bid you my recently acquired Heisman trophy.
Ok I must have missed something here. I thought we were idding to take this lady to a holiday party not bashing other bidders. Papi props on the giving. I love to give back myself and recently helped with the 11alive can-a-thon. We should all try. But thats not what we are here to do. We are here to offer up a great time to Karen. Guys dont lose sight of that. Btw I posted a pic on my profile so just click my name to see it.
Karen, I saw your picture in the paper today and read about your unique and creative (also shameless) promotion for a Saturday date.
It is so refreshing to see such creativity and the ability to turn a possible point of embarrassment into a personal promo that caused a public infatuation.
“Whom will she pick?” “Will it be me?” Atlanta is on pins and needles (like Idol finals) and just can’t wait to see. (i.e. who shot JR).
Who will the gorgeous 20 something (notice did not say seven which is closer to thirty) select to rock her around the Christmas tree? (apologies to Brenda Lee).
Once the intrigue has elapsed and the final decision has been made, almost all Atlanta will believe it was just all for fun.
My goal in writing this is to possibly tickle your soul and maybe you will make me the chosen one.
I want to be your “Alderboy” Saturday night and I am not even catholic.
P.S. I did get my plaid jacket and matching socks dry cleaned this week just in case. The santa snoopy tie was all good no worries.
Hi Karen.
I wanted to let you know that I know "M.A.X" as well as have a connections to FitzCo (including one Miss Lauren H). So if you do decide you want to take Max up on his offer sometime, you can take comfort in knowing you know him in the 3rd Degree.
Meanwhile if you feel like taking a tall, fun, and cute gay guy with a sexy new haircut, I'll happily accompany you! As an agency guy myself, I'll surely keep up good conversation while taking the edge off the "first date" weirdness (have all the eligible guys take you out on real dates - though I realize the guys from Accounts will call this out of scope). Meanwhile, I'll get the benefit of being introduced as your date while all the girls from Media stare and gossip.
All caddy-ness aside, I don't have too much to offer. But I can offer
* 3 agency, client, &/or alumni chachskis.
* 2 Off-Key a capella Christmas carols.
* And 1 Extremely embarasing photo of me that was featured in my company's holiday party slide show!
So if that is a Creative enough offer, let me know and I'll make sure to beat the Traffic to your holiday party!
Happy Holidays and Warm Wishes!
Patrick
Wow, your creativeness floored me this morning when I opened the paper and started reading your story. I am a 27 year old single father and have little time for dating since work and the raising of my daughter take the majority of my time. That said I found myself without a date to my company's holiday party. So I got on the phone just yesterday to ask a couple friends if they had any potential canidates for dates for me. I did find an ex and a couple friends who would accompany me however all had prior engagements during that time. I just wish I had thought of doing what you did. But I did at least want to stop by and congratulate you on an amazing strategy to achieve your goal. I believe any man would be lucky to join you. lilbean@email2me.net
I would pick Tim! I'm pretty sure that he is kind of in to you. :)
Hi Karen!
My bid... At the party, I'll charm your coworkers with my wit and be on your arm to help you through anything. I'll guarantee the rapport you'd expect from an intimate friend, the chemistry you'd see in someone who's more than, and the class you'd expect to make your friends and colleagues envious.
For my ante, I'll bet an All-I-Know lesson. I'll give you an on-the-ground class in skydiving, a how-to in bluffing your way through smalltalk, and a tour of my Atlanta hole-in-walls. Really though, once you nail the skydiving, smalltalk and dimly lit bars are a cake-walk.
To my credit, I can hold great conversations, look good in suits, have a professional job, went to a top tier university, and will dance whenever you ask. I'm quick to smile and slow to judge, I have opinions but will listen to anyone else discuss theirs, and can tell when I need to step out of the spotlight to let you shine. I have blue eyes and they look great over moonlight, and better in candlelight.
Were I planning, we'd meet a little earlier for drinks and conversation. After talking music and art at this weekend's Winter Soulstice benefit, we'd make the trip to your office. I'd open your door, at the benefit, at the car, at your office and smile every time. I'd give you every chance to stand out, and take over whenever you didn't want to. I'd be excited to hear you talk shop, and just as excited to hear FitzoCo war stories. I dig advertising, and marketing, and the up-sell, so there's no way it'd be too downtempo. And whenever we're done impressing, we could wind down the night with a little more music and conversation, if only to trade laughs about the evening.
The value… can’t put a value on music and good convo… but I’d sell myself for a couple top-shelf Long Islands.
The relation… we met through Liz.
The who-I-am… Stone (long story, Liz calls me Chris)
Thanks Karen!
- Stone
So I dont give up easly and hope that my name is at least in the hat. I give much props cause some of these guys are really trying. I know we are all asking for a chance, but on top of everything that I have previously offered and others have tried to copy I add one more thing to sweeten the pot.
7) A night of the season (which includes a carriage ride downtown, maybe stone mt and a look at the lights, and some Hot chocolate to top it off. I mean it is the holidays, and if the holiday party goes great and as Bert would say its in our destiny then may be a present at the end as a surprise.)
I must begin by saying that I do not meet your qualifications, since I am not a friend or family member of your co-worker. Plus, I am already committed to a Christmas party with 100 of my closest friends in my church group. However, if I were to enter the contest, I would offer the following. First, you would have to obtain your "Dating License" at http://www.godofdesire.com/dating-license-test/. My offer would be to discuss the answers and concepts from the test of what you got wrong. Then we would discuss "Theology of the Body" (http://theologyofthebody.net/). The discussion would NOT involve physical contact.
Why would I make such a crazy offer? Because most relationships end with items being thrown across the room at the other person, or angry phone calls, etc. And most marriages end with divorce. This is not God's plan for us. God created us to unite together as husband and wife and to share our life with the other person (til death do us part). The problem with our culture is not that it OVERvalues sex, but that it UNDERvalues sex. For it is through the marital act that we most closely image our Creator---we are taking part in creation.
I can't think of a greater gift for a young woman than to understand these concepts, and for her to know that she is precious in God's eyes and deserves a prince. This is my wish for my future bride, and this is my wish for you.
Oh yeah, I would also include an autographed copy of the "God of Desire" talk on CD by Dave Sloan. And I would be glad to discuss the dating license and TOB over coffee sometime.
Peace and Joy,
Larry
Ok, I'm upping my bet... now including a comedy club tour which will feature shows at Dad's Garage, Relapse Theatre, Whole World Theatre, Basement Theatre, The Punchline, and The Five Spot. Not all on the same day, and it's all on me.
Value... $100ish.
Post a Comment